Published in Family Dynamics
Raeva Kumar
Trauma Survivor / Cofounder of Rebound
December 4, 2024
Why the Holidays Feel So Hard After Family Trauma
And how to reclaim them with intention, boundaries, and self-compassion.
The holidays are often marketed as a time of joy, connection, and togetherness. But for survivors of family trauma, they can feel like walking through a minefield of stress, guilt, and unmet expectations. If the holidays feel heavier than they should, you’re not alone—and it’s not your fault.
1. The Ghost of “Perfect Families”
The holidays come with images of happy, harmonious families gathering around a beautifully decorated table. For someone who grew up in a chaotic or abusive household, this image can feel painfully out of reach.
The gap between what society tells you the holidays should look like and your own reality can stir feelings of inadequacy, shame, or grief for the family dynamic you never had.
2. Old Wounds, New Settings
Trauma often doesn’t stay in the past. It lives in your body, your mind, and your relationships, and it has a way of resurfacing during the holidays.
Family gatherings, traditions, or even familiar scents and sounds can serve as triggers, bringing old emotions rushing back. Add in the stress of being around family members who may have caused harm, and it’s no wonder the season feels overwhelming.
3. The Weight of Social Pressure
“Well, why don’t you just spend time with your family?”
Questions like these, even when well-meaning, can feel suffocating. If you’ve chosen to distance yourself from toxic family members or set firm boundaries, you may feel guilt, shame, or even judgment from others who don’t understand your choice.
How to Redefine the Holidays for Yourself
Make New Traditions:
Let go of the pressure to recreate the “perfect holiday” and create rituals that bring you peace and joy. Whether it’s baking cookies with friends, watching your favorite movies, or volunteering, focus on what feels good to you.
Set Boundaries:
You don’t have to say yes to every gathering or conversation. Protect your energy and prioritize settings where you feel safe and supported.
Grieve What You’ve Lost:
It’s okay to mourn the family dynamics or traditions you hoped to have. Acknowledging this grief can make room for new, meaningful experiences.
Build a New Community:
The holidays don’t have to be about biological family. Surround yourself with chosen family—friends, partners, or support groups—who uplift and accept you.
Your Holidays, Your Rules
The holidays don’t have to fit anyone else’s vision but your own. You deserve a season that feels peaceful, joyful, and safe—whatever that looks like for you.
The holidays are often marketed as a time of joy, connection, and togetherness. But for survivors of family trauma, they can feel like walking through a minefield of stress, guilt, and unmet expectations. If the holidays feel heavier than they should, you’re not alone—and it’s not your fault.
1. The Ghost of “Perfect Families”
The holidays come with images of happy, harmonious families gathering around a beautifully decorated table. For someone who grew up in a chaotic or abusive household, this image can feel painfully out of reach.
The gap between what society tells you the holidays should look like and your own reality can stir feelings of inadequacy, shame, or grief for the family dynamic you never had.
2. Old Wounds, New Settings
Trauma often doesn’t stay in the past. It lives in your body, your mind, and your relationships, and it has a way of resurfacing during the holidays.
Family gatherings, traditions, or even familiar scents and sounds can serve as triggers, bringing old emotions rushing back. Add in the stress of being around family members who may have caused harm, and it’s no wonder the season feels overwhelming.
3. The Weight of Social Pressure
“Well, why don’t you just spend time with your family?”
Questions like these, even when well-meaning, can feel suffocating. If you’ve chosen to distance yourself from toxic family members or set firm boundaries, you may feel guilt, shame, or even judgment from others who don’t understand your choice.
How to Redefine the Holidays for Yourself
Make New Traditions:
Let go of the pressure to recreate the “perfect holiday” and create rituals that bring you peace and joy. Whether it’s baking cookies with friends, watching your favorite movies, or volunteering, focus on what feels good to you.
Set Boundaries:
You don’t have to say yes to every gathering or conversation. Protect your energy and prioritize settings where you feel safe and supported.
Grieve What You’ve Lost:
It’s okay to mourn the family dynamics or traditions you hoped to have. Acknowledging this grief can make room for new, meaningful experiences.
Build a New Community:
The holidays don’t have to be about biological family. Surround yourself with chosen family—friends, partners, or support groups—who uplift and accept you.
Your Holidays, Your Rules
The holidays don’t have to fit anyone else’s vision but your own. You deserve a season that feels peaceful, joyful, and safe—whatever that looks like for you.
The holidays are often marketed as a time of joy, connection, and togetherness. But for survivors of family trauma, they can feel like walking through a minefield of stress, guilt, and unmet expectations. If the holidays feel heavier than they should, you’re not alone—and it’s not your fault.
1. The Ghost of “Perfect Families”
The holidays come with images of happy, harmonious families gathering around a beautifully decorated table. For someone who grew up in a chaotic or abusive household, this image can feel painfully out of reach.
The gap between what society tells you the holidays should look like and your own reality can stir feelings of inadequacy, shame, or grief for the family dynamic you never had.
2. Old Wounds, New Settings
Trauma often doesn’t stay in the past. It lives in your body, your mind, and your relationships, and it has a way of resurfacing during the holidays.
Family gatherings, traditions, or even familiar scents and sounds can serve as triggers, bringing old emotions rushing back. Add in the stress of being around family members who may have caused harm, and it’s no wonder the season feels overwhelming.
3. The Weight of Social Pressure
“Well, why don’t you just spend time with your family?”
Questions like these, even when well-meaning, can feel suffocating. If you’ve chosen to distance yourself from toxic family members or set firm boundaries, you may feel guilt, shame, or even judgment from others who don’t understand your choice.
How to Redefine the Holidays for Yourself
Make New Traditions:
Let go of the pressure to recreate the “perfect holiday” and create rituals that bring you peace and joy. Whether it’s baking cookies with friends, watching your favorite movies, or volunteering, focus on what feels good to you.
Set Boundaries:
You don’t have to say yes to every gathering or conversation. Protect your energy and prioritize settings where you feel safe and supported.
Grieve What You’ve Lost:
It’s okay to mourn the family dynamics or traditions you hoped to have. Acknowledging this grief can make room for new, meaningful experiences.
Build a New Community:
The holidays don’t have to be about biological family. Surround yourself with chosen family—friends, partners, or support groups—who uplift and accept you.
Your Holidays, Your Rules
The holidays don’t have to fit anyone else’s vision but your own. You deserve a season that feels peaceful, joyful, and safe—whatever that looks like for you.
About Rebound
Rebound is an app designed to help you recover after trauma. It was built by trauma survivors and psychologists to help your brain and body get out of Survival Mode.
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