Published in Family Dynamics
Erin Berenz
Trauma Psychologist / Cofounder of Rebound
December 6, 2024
How Toxic Families Use Triangulation to Create Chaos
Unpacking the psychology behind triangulation and why it hurts everyone
If you’ve ever felt like the go-between in family conflicts, being pulled into alliances or asked to “take sides,” you’ve likely experienced triangulation. This common dynamic in dysfunctional families doesn’t solve problems—it fuels chaos and keeps everyone stuck in unhealthy patterns.
What is Triangulation?
Triangulation happens when a third person is brought into a conflict between two others. Instead of addressing the issue directly, one person recruits someone else to mediate, take their side, or serve as a buffer.
For example:
A parent complains to you about your sibling instead of speaking to them directly.
A sibling asks you to “talk to Mom for me” instead of handling the issue themselves.
You’re pressured to choose sides in a disagreement between family members.
It might seem like triangulation helps manage conflict, but in reality, it shifts blame, creates resentment, and keeps the family from dealing with the root issues.
Why Families Use It
Triangulation often stems from a fear of direct confrontation. In toxic family systems, it becomes a tool for control, avoidance, or self-protection. By drawing someone else into the conflict, the original parties can deflect accountability and maintain the status quo—at your expense.
The Harmful Impact of Triangulation
For the person caught in the middle, triangulation is emotionally exhausting and deeply unfair. It forces you to:
Carry emotional burdens that aren’t yours.
Play the role of mediator, peacemaker, or fixer, even when it’s not your job.
Sacrifice your own well-being to prioritize family dysfunction.
Over time, triangulation erodes trust and breeds resentment, not just between the two original parties but also with the person caught in the middle. Instead of fostering connection, it creates tension, secrecy, and competition.
How to Break Free from the Triangle
Healing from a family system that relies on triangulation starts with recognizing the pattern and choosing to step out of it.
Identify When It’s Happening: Notice when you’re being pulled into someone else’s conflict.
Redirect Responsibility: Gently but firmly encourage them to address the issue directly. For example: “I hear where you’re coming from, but I think you should share this with [the other person].”
Set Clear Boundaries: Make it clear that you won’t take sides or mediate conflicts that aren’t your responsibility.
If triangulation persists, it’s okay to distance yourself from dynamics that undermine your peace. Breaking free might feel uncomfortable at first, but it creates space for healthier relationships—ones based on honesty, not manipulation.
Triangulation keeps toxic family systems running, but it doesn’t have to keep running your life. Healing starts with stepping out of the triangle and choosing relationships that feel clear, direct, and free of sides.
If you’ve ever felt like the go-between in family conflicts, being pulled into alliances or asked to “take sides,” you’ve likely experienced triangulation. This common dynamic in dysfunctional families doesn’t solve problems—it fuels chaos and keeps everyone stuck in unhealthy patterns.
What is Triangulation?
Triangulation happens when a third person is brought into a conflict between two others. Instead of addressing the issue directly, one person recruits someone else to mediate, take their side, or serve as a buffer.
For example:
A parent complains to you about your sibling instead of speaking to them directly.
A sibling asks you to “talk to Mom for me” instead of handling the issue themselves.
You’re pressured to choose sides in a disagreement between family members.
It might seem like triangulation helps manage conflict, but in reality, it shifts blame, creates resentment, and keeps the family from dealing with the root issues.
Why Families Use It
Triangulation often stems from a fear of direct confrontation. In toxic family systems, it becomes a tool for control, avoidance, or self-protection. By drawing someone else into the conflict, the original parties can deflect accountability and maintain the status quo—at your expense.
The Harmful Impact of Triangulation
For the person caught in the middle, triangulation is emotionally exhausting and deeply unfair. It forces you to:
Carry emotional burdens that aren’t yours.
Play the role of mediator, peacemaker, or fixer, even when it’s not your job.
Sacrifice your own well-being to prioritize family dysfunction.
Over time, triangulation erodes trust and breeds resentment, not just between the two original parties but also with the person caught in the middle. Instead of fostering connection, it creates tension, secrecy, and competition.
How to Break Free from the Triangle
Healing from a family system that relies on triangulation starts with recognizing the pattern and choosing to step out of it.
Identify When It’s Happening: Notice when you’re being pulled into someone else’s conflict.
Redirect Responsibility: Gently but firmly encourage them to address the issue directly. For example: “I hear where you’re coming from, but I think you should share this with [the other person].”
Set Clear Boundaries: Make it clear that you won’t take sides or mediate conflicts that aren’t your responsibility.
If triangulation persists, it’s okay to distance yourself from dynamics that undermine your peace. Breaking free might feel uncomfortable at first, but it creates space for healthier relationships—ones based on honesty, not manipulation.
Triangulation keeps toxic family systems running, but it doesn’t have to keep running your life. Healing starts with stepping out of the triangle and choosing relationships that feel clear, direct, and free of sides.
If you’ve ever felt like the go-between in family conflicts, being pulled into alliances or asked to “take sides,” you’ve likely experienced triangulation. This common dynamic in dysfunctional families doesn’t solve problems—it fuels chaos and keeps everyone stuck in unhealthy patterns.
What is Triangulation?
Triangulation happens when a third person is brought into a conflict between two others. Instead of addressing the issue directly, one person recruits someone else to mediate, take their side, or serve as a buffer.
For example:
A parent complains to you about your sibling instead of speaking to them directly.
A sibling asks you to “talk to Mom for me” instead of handling the issue themselves.
You’re pressured to choose sides in a disagreement between family members.
It might seem like triangulation helps manage conflict, but in reality, it shifts blame, creates resentment, and keeps the family from dealing with the root issues.
Why Families Use It
Triangulation often stems from a fear of direct confrontation. In toxic family systems, it becomes a tool for control, avoidance, or self-protection. By drawing someone else into the conflict, the original parties can deflect accountability and maintain the status quo—at your expense.
The Harmful Impact of Triangulation
For the person caught in the middle, triangulation is emotionally exhausting and deeply unfair. It forces you to:
Carry emotional burdens that aren’t yours.
Play the role of mediator, peacemaker, or fixer, even when it’s not your job.
Sacrifice your own well-being to prioritize family dysfunction.
Over time, triangulation erodes trust and breeds resentment, not just between the two original parties but also with the person caught in the middle. Instead of fostering connection, it creates tension, secrecy, and competition.
How to Break Free from the Triangle
Healing from a family system that relies on triangulation starts with recognizing the pattern and choosing to step out of it.
Identify When It’s Happening: Notice when you’re being pulled into someone else’s conflict.
Redirect Responsibility: Gently but firmly encourage them to address the issue directly. For example: “I hear where you’re coming from, but I think you should share this with [the other person].”
Set Clear Boundaries: Make it clear that you won’t take sides or mediate conflicts that aren’t your responsibility.
If triangulation persists, it’s okay to distance yourself from dynamics that undermine your peace. Breaking free might feel uncomfortable at first, but it creates space for healthier relationships—ones based on honesty, not manipulation.
Triangulation keeps toxic family systems running, but it doesn’t have to keep running your life. Healing starts with stepping out of the triangle and choosing relationships that feel clear, direct, and free of sides.
About Rebound
Rebound is an app designed to help you recover after trauma. It was built by trauma survivors and psychologists to help your brain and body get out of Survival Mode.
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