The Invisible Chains of Trauma Bonding

You're thriving in so many areas of your life – career, friendships, goals – yet you find yourself drawn back to a relationship that swings between moments of intense connection and profound pain. Have you ever wondered why setting boundaries or moving on from a relationship feels impossible, even when others urge you to 'just walk away'? This struggle may be due to what’s known as a trauma bond. Just know that you’re not alone.

Let's dive into what that really means and, more importantly, some next steps to take if you find yourself in one.

*A Note to Readers:

This article is specifically intended for individuals who are no longer in unsafe relationships. If you are currently experiencing domestic violence or are otherwise not physically safe, please prioritize your safety and reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support:

Call: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Text: "START" to 88788

Visit: www.thehotline.org

Help is available 24/7 with trained advocates who can assist you.

When Love and Fear Collide: Understanding Trauma Bonds

Trauma bonding might feel like an emotional handcuff that links you to someone who alternated between hurting you and making you feel loved. While trauma bonds often occur in romantic relationships, they can also form with friends, family, or anyone in close emotional contact. The bond isn’t just about the person; it’s the emotional rollercoaster that ties you to them, leading you to feel stuck, conflicted, and struggling to let go, even when your instincts tell you to walk away.

The Signs You Might Not Want to See (But Need To)

So, how do you know if you’re feeling bonded to someone who may have hurt you? Here are some telltale signs:

• You make excuses for their behavior: Even when their actions hurt you, you find yourself justifying or rationalizing them.

• You feel emotionally tethered to them: The relationship has highs and lows that made leaving seem impossible. You stayed because of the good times, hoping they’ll return. 

• You blame yourself: Instead of recognizing harmful behavior, you feel like you’re at fault or that you somehow “deserve” it.

• You feel unable to fully let go: Even if you know the relationship isn’t right, the thought of breaking this bond completely fills you with anxiety or fear. Or even after you’ve left, you find yourself still drawn to what you had.

• You have a hard time trusting yourself: You second-guess your instincts and lose confidence in your judgment, relying on the person to tell you what’s right.

The Science Behind the Struggle: Why Letting Go Feels Impossible

Healing a trauma bond can feel impossible because so many forces seem to keep you tied to the relationship. Your sense of safety and love may get tangled up, as the brain starts linking the intense highs of making up after conflict with feelings of security—even when the person is also causing you pain. This dependency blurs what love should actually feel like. Then there’s the “sunk cost” trap—you might feel stuck because of all the time, energy, and love you’ve poured into the relationship, hoping it’ll eventually work out, even if it’s been hurtful¹. And, of course, there’s the exhausting “push-pull” dynamic: one moment they’re everything you need, the next they’re distant or unkind. This rollercoaster gives just enough hope to keep you hanging on, even when your instincts tell you to walk away.

"Even after I left, it felt like I was still tied to [them], like the bond didn’t break just because I walked away. I kept replaying the good moments, wondering if I made a mistake, even though deep down I knew the pain outweighed the joy." – Sarah H.

Self-Compassion: Your Key to Change

Trauma bonding often comes with a lot of self-blame, shame, and guilt. You might think, “Why didn’t I see the red flags?” or “I should have been stronger.” But your brain was doing exactly what it was designed to do: trying to survive.

Healing starts with giving yourself permission to let go of those judgments. Self-compassion allows you to see yourself as a survivor, not a victim². By recognizing that you did what you could in difficult circumstances, you start to shift from blame to understanding. Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean denying the hurt or ignoring the impact—it means acknowledging your humanity and forgiving yourself.

Let self-compassion be the anchor that grounds you in the truth that your worth doesn’t depend on someone else’s treatment of you.

Healthy Love vs. Trauma Bonds: Knowing the Distinction

Understanding the difference between trauma bonds and healthy relationships can help you trust your instincts as you move forward.

In a healthy relationship, conflict doesn’t destroy your sense of self; it encourages growth and mutual respect. You feel safe enough to express your thoughts, and your boundaries are honored. Unlike trauma bonds, where control and dependency grow over time, healthy relationships nurture freedom, equality, and genuine care. Some other signs of healthy relationships include:

• Consistent respect and kindness

• Freedom to be yourself without walking on eggshells

• Disagreements that don’t devolve into chaos

• Support for your mutual independence and growth

• Clear, honest communication without manipulation

Reclaiming Your Sense of Space and Self

One of the hardest but most liberating steps in breaking free from a trauma bond is setting boundaries. Boundaries are essential—they create the necessary space for self-respect and protect your well-being. However, in trauma bonds, the process of setting and enforcing boundaries often feels overwhelming or even frightening, as the relationship may have conditioned you to believe your needs don’t matter or that saying “no” will only lead to more conflict.

Yet, healthy boundaries are possible and can be transformative. Begin with small steps: firstly, it’s important to prioritize safety, and ensure that you are not in an unsafe or rapidly escalating situation. 

Please note: If you’re ever concerned about your safety, setting boundaries, or are looking for guidance navigating an actively unsafe situation, you can always call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text: "START" to 88788.

Next, identify one area where you can assert a limit, perhaps by reducing contact or setting specific times for communication. Gradually, as you build these boundaries, you’ll start to feel more empowered and in control. Boundaries help clarify what is and isn’t acceptable in your interactions, providing a foundation for healthier relationships in the future. Reclaiming your right to say “no” and prioritizing your well-being are acts of self-care and courage, especially in situations where boundaries have been disregarded.

Creating and maintaining boundaries takes time, patience, and support, and it’s a journey best taken at your own pace.

 “It took time to realize that breaking free physically was just the first step—healing emotionally was a different journey.” – Molly Q.

Relearning to Trust Yourself

It's important to recognize that breaking a trauma bond is a deeply personal process, and it might not feel like the right time to take that step. There’s no “right” moment or one-size-fits-all answer. Sometimes, the most empowering thing you can do is simply acknowledge what you’re experiencing and begin to reflect on what you need. This could mean journaling about your feelings, exploring the dynamics of the relationship, or even quietly making a plan for how to move forward when you’re ready. Taking time to understand your emotions and options is a valid and powerful first step—it allows you to approach change on your terms and at your pace. Remember, healing is a journey, and sometimes it starts simply with awareness and preparation.

Remember: You’re Stronger Than This Bond

Trauma bonds can feel insurmountable, but each step you take—no matter how small—is a victory. By focusing on building awareness, self-compassion, and seeking the support you need, you’re taking back control.

About Rebound

Rebound is an app designed to help you process and heal from trauma. It was built by a team of trauma survivors and psychologists with the goal of making effective trauma recovery accessible to everyone.  Click here to learn more.

References:

1. Olivola, C. Y. (2018). The interpersonal sunk-cost effect. Psychological science, 29(7), 1072-1083.

2. Valdez, C. E., & Lilly, M. M. (2016). Self-compassion and trauma processing outcomes among victims of violence. Mindfulness, 7, 329-339.